past weeks i keep thinking... what is love? Why do I say that I feel love? How can i be brave enough to feel it? How can I be brave enough to SAY that i feel it?
Then analyzing of this matter starts... i do remember the days when i was so naïve and so sweet, sweet enough to say that i love people, that i have crushes and i can feel love to people i care about deeply. honestly no idea what year it was when i talked about my love honestly and loudly. i remember writing about people i love in my old blog. then father found my post. and all i heard from him was - you are too young, you DON'T KNOW and DON'T understand what LOVE feels like. YOU CAN'T feel LOVE. IT'S NOT FOR YOU and you DON'T know what love is...
It grew into me. All the relationships I had, all the care i had for people, all the hugs, fucks and kisses... I never told anyone that I feel LOVE, that i love them... It is not for me. I feel like i'm trying to stop myself from feeling it. I feel put into cage of unknown and locked with thousand locks. i find it super hard to talk about my feelings, about letting myself feel freely, because hey, you, silly girl, you don't know what you are talking about. and also you are going to get hurt either way...
and now comes the days, when i feel that animal wanting to get out of the cage. when i want to let myself feel AND SAY that i feel LOVE for people i care deeply and just hug and express myself and just be alive and thrive in the given moment. But...how do I do it? Do I understand what love it? How do I understand it? How do I express it if all i feel is - you are going to get hurt in the end because it's a matter of unknown. Why I can't let myself feel it even if it's temporary? Why am i stopping myself from happiness? there's so much to think and overthink, meanwhile all i want is to feel free. Free from doubting myself, free from thinking that there's only pain waiting for me in the future.
And the moments when I feel loved hurts the most. Is it real? How can i be sure? Can i sabotage all of that so i know it's fake? If I'm hiding it from myself, how can i be sure other people are not lying?
And hey, I love you all, fuckers, my little pieces of happiness. But i'm crying even writing about it in my silly little blog and world keeps shattering around me. It's so new, and so old, and so messy. Wish it was easy to express things easily.
Overthinkers life.
